Second Soliloquy

A journey into the mindscape...

Thoroghly Confused

I've just finished reading "The Little Prince" again. It's one of the few books that I can manage to read many times over and still have something to think about at the end. And it usually gets me thinking about my own life, and how it relates to the book, or how the book relates to it.

OK, so I got in Pisay, and was somehow able to survive 3.25 years of existence. I even managed to do well sometimes, albeit only in a single subject. Now the average person would say that I know a lot of things. But I often feel that I don't know a single precious thing in the world. The important things, at least.

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” -Dinah Craik

Too bad, then, that I have no friends that fit this description. I have not yet found someone I can trust with my innermost thoughts and feelings. Very often, I feel that it is better to keep them to myself, for fear of someone, often myself, being harmed by any revelation. And whaen I finally feel the need to pour it all out, I do it here, in an electronic database called a blog. And even then, I have to hide the browser window everytime someone passes by. I don't want anyone to know how I'm really feeling, but at the same time, I want to be able to trust someone enough to expose all my thoughts and beliefs, and doubts and fears, without fear that I have done more harm than good.

UPCAT and Insights

My normal response to an unusually early bedtime would be lying in bed, staring blankly into darkness with my eyes shut, but not quite drifting towards drowsiness until an hour or two later. Last night's was different. The night before the UPCAT, I was feeling quite fine, thank you. My mom suggested I sleep early, since my exam starts at 6:30 in the morning, meaning I had to wake up unusually early, and I considered this a good idea. One problem cropped up, though, and I wouldn't be concerned too much about it if it had only been a plain lack of capacity to drift off to never-never land. No, it was much worse than that, with a possible exception for 'worse' being an opportunity to gain insight from the incident. As I attempted to sleep earlier than usual that night, my mind was being constantly tormentd by various fears and anxieties, fluctuating between a failure in the UPCAT, a future without direction, and a possible (but improabable) emotional breakdown. I eventually fell asleep at a later hour, around 10:30 or so, but even then, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

Not that I was sleepy the whole time, though. If there was one good thing my restless slumber brought, it was restored optimism. My mind was a bit blank from apparent lack of rest, but my fears were dispelled, and I had restored hope that the UPCAT wouldn't be that horrible. Then there was this insignificant (or so I thought) issue of what exactly I'm going t bring. I really wanted to bring my bag, since I almost always do when going somewhere, but it said in the test permit not to. So I brought an envelope instead. In it contained:
Along with all those, I also brought a bottle of water. A large bottle, since I get thirsty rather easily. Then, when I got to the testing center (mine was the National Engineering Center), the real fun began. There were 4 subtests: Language Proficiency, Science, Mathematics, and Reading Comprehension. Though it's not unusual to finish all the items ahead of the alotted time, I think I might have finished the Math subtest too quickly. I had to wait quite a while for the proctor to give the last-10-minutes countdown. It turns out that the UPCAT wasn't so bad after all. In retrospect, the question's difficulty was perhaps that of one of our average long tests (not the exceptionaly horrendous ones, mind you).

All this brings us to an interesting (or maybe not) question: what was I afraid of? Why? I need more time, perhaps more experiences, to find out more about myself. Or perhaps I could let someone else help me sort this out. The problem here, however, is that I can never quite get around to telling anyone. There is still a cloud of distrust that keeps me hesitating every time I try, or even think of trying. I don't have anyone I feel I could entrust my innermost thoughts and feelings with.

Hmm... this seems uncannily familiar to a certain description for Capricorn that I found in the 'Previously-Owned Books' section of National Bookstore. Something along the lines of some strong emotions hidden from others, like a bomb in a safe. It also said something about the possibility of the said bomb going off, and the opening up of such a person akin to defusing the explosive. I want to see that book again...

Personality Disorder Test

I took this test some time before, but I took it again to see what happens.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

The test can be taken here.

If This is Who I am...

Years have passed. I am not quite who I used to be. The passage of time, and the experiences it has brought along, has caused a number of changes inside. A little more courage. A little more patience. A little more wisdom. But a closer inspection reveals something entirely different. The choices I have made have caused change for the worse. Despite all the good traits I have, half-finished tasks, susceptibility to distractions, and oftentimes a perfectionist attitude far outweigh, in my perception at the least, my other attributes.

And as if that was not a large enough concern, I often find myself helpless to the tides of time. Though I wanted to change myself in a certain way, I seem to have no control over this. I daresay it is controlled by fate itself. Free will has lost but a trickle of its power, now almost limited to minor decisions over trivial matters.

No, this cannot be right! Some part of it does not make sense to me, something that makes me want to reject it altogether. There must be some flaw in my reasoning, or perhaps a minor detail I have yet to percieve. Or am I under a hypnotic trance, cast by the very personality, or personalities even, that I wished to change in the first place? Will I then need someone to help me break loose from this affliction? A family memeber, or a close friend? Or perhaps even a stranger listening now to my melancholic monologue?

It is this flood of emotion that plagues me whenever I am alone, truly alone. When all sight of me has been blocked by distance or obstruction, when my thoughts then run free, albeit in a world of darkness. Because of this, I am grateful, at least, for the tiny point of light shining through amidst all the gloom. It is this hope that has kept me going through this world, in an attempt to find a cure for this malady. It is the reason I have not given up the fight altogether.