Second Soliloquy

A journey into the mindscape...

UPCAT and Insights

My normal response to an unusually early bedtime would be lying in bed, staring blankly into darkness with my eyes shut, but not quite drifting towards drowsiness until an hour or two later. Last night's was different. The night before the UPCAT, I was feeling quite fine, thank you. My mom suggested I sleep early, since my exam starts at 6:30 in the morning, meaning I had to wake up unusually early, and I considered this a good idea. One problem cropped up, though, and I wouldn't be concerned too much about it if it had only been a plain lack of capacity to drift off to never-never land. No, it was much worse than that, with a possible exception for 'worse' being an opportunity to gain insight from the incident. As I attempted to sleep earlier than usual that night, my mind was being constantly tormentd by various fears and anxieties, fluctuating between a failure in the UPCAT, a future without direction, and a possible (but improabable) emotional breakdown. I eventually fell asleep at a later hour, around 10:30 or so, but even then, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

Not that I was sleepy the whole time, though. If there was one good thing my restless slumber brought, it was restored optimism. My mind was a bit blank from apparent lack of rest, but my fears were dispelled, and I had restored hope that the UPCAT wouldn't be that horrible. Then there was this insignificant (or so I thought) issue of what exactly I'm going t bring. I really wanted to bring my bag, since I almost always do when going somewhere, but it said in the test permit not to. So I brought an envelope instead. In it contained:
Along with all those, I also brought a bottle of water. A large bottle, since I get thirsty rather easily. Then, when I got to the testing center (mine was the National Engineering Center), the real fun began. There were 4 subtests: Language Proficiency, Science, Mathematics, and Reading Comprehension. Though it's not unusual to finish all the items ahead of the alotted time, I think I might have finished the Math subtest too quickly. I had to wait quite a while for the proctor to give the last-10-minutes countdown. It turns out that the UPCAT wasn't so bad after all. In retrospect, the question's difficulty was perhaps that of one of our average long tests (not the exceptionaly horrendous ones, mind you).

All this brings us to an interesting (or maybe not) question: what was I afraid of? Why? I need more time, perhaps more experiences, to find out more about myself. Or perhaps I could let someone else help me sort this out. The problem here, however, is that I can never quite get around to telling anyone. There is still a cloud of distrust that keeps me hesitating every time I try, or even think of trying. I don't have anyone I feel I could entrust my innermost thoughts and feelings with.

Hmm... this seems uncannily familiar to a certain description for Capricorn that I found in the 'Previously-Owned Books' section of National Bookstore. Something along the lines of some strong emotions hidden from others, like a bomb in a safe. It also said something about the possibility of the said bomb going off, and the opening up of such a person akin to defusing the explosive. I want to see that book again...

Comments:

Post a Comment