Second Soliloquy
A journey into the mindscape...
Yup, I'm Gone
Two reasons:1. the page where you type the entry seems to load quite a bit slowly on Blogger. Livejournal's is a bit faster, particularly on my system. And I don't like waiting too long when I have something to blog about.
2. If I suddenly become paranoid, I could just modify the incriminating entries so only I can see them. Ha.
With that said, here's the new address: http://www.livejournal.com/users/skittishdreamer/. Well, that's that. Goodbye.
Injury is Bliss
No, I didn't accidentally cut myself and somehow found pleasure in the feeling. It's just that I find it harder to let go of feelings of agony, or guilt, or despair, or pain (the emotional kind), or misery. Simply because I'm actually enjoying the experience (well, to some degree, anyway). Even if it kills me inside.
It's Psychotic
Sometimes, I can hear my cellphone ringing. I check it for any new messages, or an incoming call (or even a missed call), but when I look, I find none. I suddenly realize it was just my imagination. And it happens several times a week.Probably something to do with wishful thinking. Every incoming call or text message comes as a surprise, mainly because my cellphone functions more as an alarm clock than a phone. And I can't seem to get enough social contact to satisfy myself.
Who am I posting for anyway?
I don't know. It wierd, posting here, feeling as if I'm writing an article for a publication of some sort. This is supposed to be my personal online journal. I'm supposed to write what I want, when I want to. A box of memories to look back to when time has passed.Instead, there's this compulsion to post something just because I haven't done so for a day or two already. When I actually find something to say, I have to pause and reflect on what I'm saying. Because there are people visiting my weblog regularly, and they deserve something nice to read.
To those people who are reading regularly, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I just needed to remember who I'm writing for. I just need to remember that I'm not writing for you to read something, I'm writing for me, to express what I'm feeling. And so I can look back months, years later.
I'm not sure entirely, but I might create an online journal only I can read. Aah, the convenience of journalling on a computer, with the added benefit of relative privacy. That could mean I would stop posting here, or at least not as frequently as before. Then again, perhaps not. Just a heads up, just in case.
Different People at Different Times
Really, I don't think there's a single personality trait the defines who I am, completely, at all times. Because I'm usually different people at different times.1. Quiet. Contemplative. Usually doesn't speak unless either he is spoken to, or he sees something really interesting. Doesn't say and do much of anything because he thinks a lot before saying something, weighing the consequences. Eager to help, but would rather be approached first. Lacking self-confidence, he hesitates a lot before acting, and is usually passive about a lot of things. Common.
2. Determined. Slightly irritable, and would rather be left alone. Can be found pacing, as if he were plotting something on a large scale. Doesn't like to be disturbed. Can occur when angry (rare) or when faced with disappointment.
3. Not exacly that loud, but... anyway, jokes more frequenly than usual (especially when in 'hirit-mode'). Lighthearted. To a lesser degree, boisterous. Sometimes annoying. Random instances.
4. Gloomy, but not that noticeably.May attempt to join in and appear as if nothing's wrong, when really, he's troubled. Or maybe he'd rather walk along on his own. In any case, he is unusually quiet. Proabably after a large problem, or a succession of smaller ones.
Well, those are the more recognized personalities. It's either one of those, or a mix of two or more.
Fear is the mind-killer
Well, the first week of college has just passed. And I can already tell I'm not exerting enough effort. I know what I'm talking about. So don't talk to me about being negative or letting it pass or whatever else. I seriously need to work harder this time. And no, it's not okay. Not yet, anyway.Things are getting scary. But instead of acknowledging this fear, I've been denying its existence, calling it 'determination' or something else. And that's bad. Because I am afraid. Afraid that I won't be able to exert myself enough to succeed. Or worse, that even my best effort won't be enough.
*sigh*
So Who's Winning?
This is really cute. You should go take a look at it if you haven't yet.Winners by 7 Seconds Of Love
