Second Soliloquy
A journey into the mindscape...
Yup, I'm Gone
Two reasons:1. the page where you type the entry seems to load quite a bit slowly on Blogger. Livejournal's is a bit faster, particularly on my system. And I don't like waiting too long when I have something to blog about.
2. If I suddenly become paranoid, I could just modify the incriminating entries so only I can see them. Ha.
With that said, here's the new address: http://www.livejournal.com/users/skittishdreamer/. Well, that's that. Goodbye.
Injury is Bliss
No, I didn't accidentally cut myself and somehow found pleasure in the feeling. It's just that I find it harder to let go of feelings of agony, or guilt, or despair, or pain (the emotional kind), or misery. Simply because I'm actually enjoying the experience (well, to some degree, anyway). Even if it kills me inside.
It's Psychotic
Sometimes, I can hear my cellphone ringing. I check it for any new messages, or an incoming call (or even a missed call), but when I look, I find none. I suddenly realize it was just my imagination. And it happens several times a week.Probably something to do with wishful thinking. Every incoming call or text message comes as a surprise, mainly because my cellphone functions more as an alarm clock than a phone. And I can't seem to get enough social contact to satisfy myself.
Who am I posting for anyway?
I don't know. It wierd, posting here, feeling as if I'm writing an article for a publication of some sort. This is supposed to be my personal online journal. I'm supposed to write what I want, when I want to. A box of memories to look back to when time has passed.Instead, there's this compulsion to post something just because I haven't done so for a day or two already. When I actually find something to say, I have to pause and reflect on what I'm saying. Because there are people visiting my weblog regularly, and they deserve something nice to read.
To those people who are reading regularly, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I just needed to remember who I'm writing for. I just need to remember that I'm not writing for you to read something, I'm writing for me, to express what I'm feeling. And so I can look back months, years later.
I'm not sure entirely, but I might create an online journal only I can read. Aah, the convenience of journalling on a computer, with the added benefit of relative privacy. That could mean I would stop posting here, or at least not as frequently as before. Then again, perhaps not. Just a heads up, just in case.
Different People at Different Times
Really, I don't think there's a single personality trait the defines who I am, completely, at all times. Because I'm usually different people at different times.1. Quiet. Contemplative. Usually doesn't speak unless either he is spoken to, or he sees something really interesting. Doesn't say and do much of anything because he thinks a lot before saying something, weighing the consequences. Eager to help, but would rather be approached first. Lacking self-confidence, he hesitates a lot before acting, and is usually passive about a lot of things. Common.
2. Determined. Slightly irritable, and would rather be left alone. Can be found pacing, as if he were plotting something on a large scale. Doesn't like to be disturbed. Can occur when angry (rare) or when faced with disappointment.
3. Not exacly that loud, but... anyway, jokes more frequenly than usual (especially when in 'hirit-mode'). Lighthearted. To a lesser degree, boisterous. Sometimes annoying. Random instances.
4. Gloomy, but not that noticeably.May attempt to join in and appear as if nothing's wrong, when really, he's troubled. Or maybe he'd rather walk along on his own. In any case, he is unusually quiet. Proabably after a large problem, or a succession of smaller ones.
Well, those are the more recognized personalities. It's either one of those, or a mix of two or more.
Fear is the mind-killer
Well, the first week of college has just passed. And I can already tell I'm not exerting enough effort. I know what I'm talking about. So don't talk to me about being negative or letting it pass or whatever else. I seriously need to work harder this time. And no, it's not okay. Not yet, anyway.Things are getting scary. But instead of acknowledging this fear, I've been denying its existence, calling it 'determination' or something else. And that's bad. Because I am afraid. Afraid that I won't be able to exert myself enough to succeed. Or worse, that even my best effort won't be enough.
*sigh*
So Who's Winning?
This is really cute. You should go take a look at it if you haven't yet.Winners by 7 Seconds Of Love
Are they supposed to do that?
Creepy... the accuracy is just... I mean, look at it! That's me!The True You |
| You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed. |
| With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies. |
| You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others. |
| The hidden side of your personality tends to be reluctant to accept things as they are. And you are prone to think negatively. |
| You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly. |
| When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match. |
The Life of 2005-18638
My identity can no be reduced to a 9-digit number.Yesterday, I managed to get into the wecome assembly twice. The first one was at 8:30am, except there was a sign that says engineering students are supposed to have theirs at 1:00pm. But there were so many people that the sign was blocked completely. I ended up being a lost sheep (with three other eng'g students) among one of the other colleges (the audience was grouped by college). Well, for the first one anyway. Imagine attending the entire thing twice. I was able to get a second bag of free food (cheater!) and a second look at the performances. Though they mostly did better the first time.
After the second welcome assembly, we (block G-11 and the block handlers, CompSoc) had some sort of acquaintance party. And for once, I wasn't quiet and reserved at introductions. You proabably wouldn't recognize me from the way I was acting. I think I looked more along the lines of 'hyper'.
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This morning (7:00am), I had my first class, English 11. Just a discussion about what we'll be taking up, and a few policies, and then that's it. So I just went and paid for my ID already.
I got bored, so I walked around for 2 straight hours. All around UP. Boredom. Well, I don't have anything to study with yet...
Then I went back to Pisay... well, sometime after anyway (lazy storyteller). It's changed... The buildings have been painted, which in itself is a good thing. The problem is the color (yellowish and pink?). The teachers have swipey ID's. And the caf has been completely rearranged.
I don't exact;y have a good ending for this. I'm just rambling, after all.
Another new beginning... for the nth time
Well, here's another new beginning. Every year, it's the same thing: I start out hopeful, recalling last year's failures, thinking that I'll finally be working on my studies this time around, starting the year well enough to call significant progress, only to find out I'm slipping backwards as the year progresses.So let's hope I don't spoil the opportunity this time around, okay?
Those Days are Gone
Whenever I'm watching a nice show, and there's a part where there's some meaningful conversation between parent and child, I can't help but get that feeling again. Inggit ako...Once upon a time, when I still called it 'home' and meant it, I would come home from school, and my mom would eventually ask how my day went. I would lay down beside her, and we would eventually launch into a discussion about anything and everything. In those days, I could tell my mom anything. But alas, those days are no more. I feel that I can't trust my parents with my feelings anymore. Where have the days gone?
[note: tama ba naman yan, mag-brownout habang nagpapaka-sentimental ako sa post ko?]
Madagascar, College, and Mozilla Firefox
Just watched Madagascar last night. Basically, the zebra at the Central Park Zoo (who, based on my observation, was bred in captivity or something) wants to get out and go to the wild. The movie features a zebra, a lion, a hippopotamus, a neurotic giraffe on intense medication, a group of 4 'psychotic' penguins (always trying to escape, always failing), and a huge gathering of partying lemurs. It's rather funny for the most part (it is a comedy after all), but some parts are a bit more dramatic and serious.And this time, I stayed for the entire credits. Right up to the part where they show the Dolby Digital logo. It's rather irritating if I don't get to finish that part.
Heh, I think I'm a horrible reviewer.
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I'm getting excited about starting classes already. And I'm getting terribly impatient, waiting for June 7. Either I want my life back to 'relative normal' or I'm just insanely bored (thanks to the people who lent me books/VCD's. Anti-boredom stuff). Actually, I think it's both. I'm still not sure about where all my classes are exactly though, or how I'm going to handle the 15-minute break on Fridays (see previous post), or how I'm going to save myself from... er, myself (this one's partly an academic matter, partly a personal one. It's mostly about not being able to pass requirements on time. I'm kinda embarrased of talking about this to people I'm not really close to, especially some people in particular. I'm not saying).
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I just downloaded Mozilla Firefox recently. I got used to it almost instantaneously. I especially like the tabbed browsing, which is proabably why it's running a bit faster than when I was using IE. Only one instance of Firefox running even if I' m looking at several websites at a time (I the multitasking capability), compared to several instances if IE running with the same conditions. The Task Manager is your friend...
Sorry about all the technicality.
Pictures Went Missing
Well, not actually missing, I just actually lost the files to some sort of card error. Remember the trip to Tagaytay I last posted about? I managed to get hold of the digital camera, and photographed things like crazy. Except I rarely only had people in my pictures (there was one, at breakfast, then the others were my mom asking me to take pictures of them with a scenic background). It was fun fiddling with the aperture and shutter speed settings. And I rather detest using flash. For some reason, it makes the picture seem... unnaturally lighted. Or something like that.
Version 2: Spaced Out
I've been working on a new layout (well, kinda), and this is what I came up with. No graphics, I know, but I've never been fond of using graphics anyway. Maybe some other time.I'm putting the comments back, by the way.
