Second Soliloquy
A journey into the mindscape...
Exasperated
3 major projects... one still needs a survey and a final paper... still only halfway through the book for another... just the mere design completed for the last... all due this week... I cannot forfeit the first, for my grade is already way down there... neither may I for the second, with the previous grade balancing itself on a borderline... and as for the last... my only subject with continuous 1's for a grade, a miniscule inspiration, a reminder that I am not the failure I usually see myself as... I cannot bear to live to see this record tarnished... should one of these fail, my life is forfeit... I would be left walking, breathing, living, but dead... continuing my existence, but with my future, my hopes, my dreams, gone...If, somehow, I give it all I've got, put the nose to the grindstone, work my butt off from the dawn all the way down to dusk, I might succeed, perhaps not as well as I would like, but still succeeding, escaping the fatal consequences of failure. But although I find this a perfectly valid statement, deep within me I find it hard to believe. Every minute that I spend reflecting on this only makes the tension worse. I soon find myself drowning in a sea of emotions gone out of control, despite many attempts to stabilize my condition. I fly out of control, unable to sit still, unable to focus.
But if there is one thing this experience has taught me, it is the reason why we have friends. For my rescue came in the form of one who can easily sense when I am caught in a storm, one who sees with a clear mind, who with gentle words points the way. True, there is a great mountain to climb, but it no longer seems like the intimidating journey it once seemed to be. If, perhaps, I push myself hard enough, I might make it in time...
