Second Soliloquy

Yup, I'm Gone

2005-06-25T05:12:00.000+08:00

Two reasons:

1. the page where you type the entry seems to load quite a bit slowly on Blogger. Livejournal's is a bit faster, particularly on my system. And I don't like waiting too long when I have something to blog about.

2. If I suddenly become paranoid, I could just modify the incriminating entries so only I can see them. Ha.

With that said, here's the new address: http://www.livejournal.com/users/skittishdreamer/. Well, that's that. Goodbye.

Injury is Bliss

2005-06-19T15:53:00.000+08:00

No, I didn't accidentally cut myself and somehow found pleasure in the feeling. It's just that I find it harder to let go of feelings of agony, or guilt, or despair, or pain (the emotional kind), or misery. Simply because I'm actually enjoying the experience (well, to some degree, anyway). Even if it kills me inside.

It's Psychotic

2005-06-17T07:11:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I can hear my cellphone ringing. I check it for any new messages, or an incoming call (or even a missed call), but when I look, I find none. I suddenly realize it was just my imagination. And it happens several times a week.

Probably something to do with wishful thinking. Every incoming call or text message comes as a surprise, mainly because my cellphone functions more as an alarm clock than a phone. And I can't seem to get enough social contact to satisfy myself.

Who am I posting for anyway?

2005-06-14T07:08:00.000+08:00

I don't know. It wierd, posting here, feeling as if I'm writing an article for a publication of some sort. This is supposed to be my personal online journal. I'm supposed to write what I want, when I want to. A box of memories to look back to when time has passed.

Instead, there's this compulsion to post something just because I haven't done so for a day or two already. When I actually find something to say, I have to pause and reflect on what I'm saying. Because there are people visiting my weblog regularly, and they deserve something nice to read.

To those people who are reading regularly, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. I just needed to remember who I'm writing for. I just need to remember that I'm not writing for you to read something, I'm writing for me, to express what I'm feeling. And so I can look back months, years later.

I'm not sure entirely, but I might create an online journal only I can read. Aah, the convenience of journalling on a computer, with the added benefit of relative privacy. That could mean I would stop posting here, or at least not as frequently as before. Then again, perhaps not. Just a heads up, just in case.

Different People at Different Times

2005-06-13T16:24:00.000+08:00

Really, I don't think there's a single personality trait the defines who I am, completely, at all times. Because I'm usually different people at different times.

1. Quiet. Contemplative. Usually doesn't speak unless either he is spoken to, or he sees something really interesting. Doesn't say and do much of anything because he thinks a lot before saying something, weighing the consequences. Eager to help, but would rather be approached first. Lacking self-confidence, he hesitates a lot before acting, and is usually passive about a lot of things. Common.

2. Determined. Slightly irritable, and would rather be left alone. Can be found pacing, as if he were plotting something on a large scale. Doesn't like to be disturbed. Can occur when angry (rare) or when faced with disappointment.

3. Not exacly that loud, but... anyway, jokes more frequenly than usual (especially when in 'hirit-mode'). Lighthearted. To a lesser degree, boisterous. Sometimes annoying. Random instances.

4. Gloomy, but not that noticeably.May attempt to join in and appear as if nothing's wrong, when really, he's troubled. Or maybe he'd rather walk along on his own. In any case, he is unusually quiet. Proabably after a large problem, or a succession of smaller ones.

Well, those are the more recognized personalities. It's either one of those, or a mix of two or more.

Fear is the mind-killer

2005-06-12T06:10:00.000+08:00

Well, the first week of college has just passed. And I can already tell I'm not exerting enough effort. I know what I'm talking about. So don't talk to me about being negative or letting it pass or whatever else. I seriously need to work harder this time. And no, it's not okay. Not yet, anyway.

Things are getting scary. But instead of acknowledging this fear, I've been denying its existence, calling it 'determination' or something else. And that's bad. Because I am afraid. Afraid that I won't be able to exert myself enough to succeed. Or worse, that even my best effort won't be enough.

*sigh*

So Who's Winning?

2005-06-10T05:25:00.000+08:00

This is really cute. You should go take a look at it if you haven't yet.

Winners by 7 Seconds Of Love

Are they supposed to do that?

2005-06-09T03:57:00.000+08:00

Creepy... the accuracy is just... I mean, look at it! That's me!

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed.

With respect to money, you spend carefully and save your pennies.

You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others.

The hidden side of your personality tends to be reluctant to accept things as they are. And you are prone to think negatively.

You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly.

When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

Who's the True You?

The Life of 2005-18638

2005-06-08T19:46:00.000+08:00

My identity can no be reduced to a 9-digit number.

Yesterday, I managed to get into the wecome assembly twice. The first one was at 8:30am, except there was a sign that says engineering students are supposed to have theirs at 1:00pm. But there were so many people that the sign was blocked completely. I ended up being a lost sheep (with three other eng'g students) among one of the other colleges (the audience was grouped by college). Well, for the first one anyway. Imagine attending the entire thing twice. I was able to get a second bag of free food (cheater!) and a second look at the performances. Though they mostly did better the first time.

After the second welcome assembly, we (block G-11 and the block handlers, CompSoc) had some sort of acquaintance party. And for once, I wasn't quiet and reserved at introductions. You proabably wouldn't recognize me from the way I was acting. I think I looked more along the lines of 'hyper'.

-----

This morning (7:00am), I had my first class, English 11. Just a discussion about what we'll be taking up, and a few policies, and then that's it. So I just went and paid for my ID already.

I got bored, so I walked around for 2 straight hours. All around UP. Boredom. Well, I don't have anything to study with yet...

Then I went back to Pisay... well, sometime after anyway (lazy storyteller). It's changed... The buildings have been painted, which in itself is a good thing. The problem is the color (yellowish and pink?). The teachers have swipey ID's. And the caf has been completely rearranged.

I don't exact;y have a good ending for this. I'm just rambling, after all.

Another new beginning... for the nth time

2005-06-06T16:54:00.000+08:00

Well, here's another new beginning. Every year, it's the same thing: I start out hopeful, recalling last year's failures, thinking that I'll finally be working on my studies this time around, starting the year well enough to call significant progress, only to find out I'm slipping backwards as the year progresses.

So let's hope I don't spoil the opportunity this time around, okay?

Those Days are Gone

2005-06-04T18:20:00.000+08:00

Whenever I'm watching a nice show, and there's a part where there's some meaningful conversation between parent and child, I can't help but get that feeling again. Inggit ako...

Once upon a time, when I still called it 'home' and meant it, I would come home from school, and my mom would eventually ask how my day went. I would lay down beside her, and we would eventually launch into a discussion about anything and everything. In those days, I could tell my mom anything. But alas, those days are no more. I feel that I can't trust my parents with my feelings anymore. Where have the days gone?

[note: tama ba naman yan, mag-brownout habang nagpapaka-sentimental ako sa post ko?]

Madagascar, College, and Mozilla Firefox

2005-06-04T16:46:00.000+08:00

Just watched Madagascar last night. Basically, the zebra at the Central Park Zoo (who, based on my observation, was bred in captivity or something) wants to get out and go to the wild. The movie features a zebra, a lion, a hippopotamus, a neurotic giraffe on intense medication, a group of 4 'psychotic' penguins (always trying to escape, always failing), and a huge gathering of partying lemurs. It's rather funny for the most part (it is a comedy after all), but some parts are a bit more dramatic and serious.

And this time, I stayed for the entire credits. Right up to the part where they show the Dolby Digital logo. It's rather irritating if I don't get to finish that part.

Heh, I think I'm a horrible reviewer.

-----

I'm getting excited about starting classes already. And I'm getting terribly impatient, waiting for June 7. Either I want my life back to 'relative normal' or I'm just insanely bored (thanks to the people who lent me books/VCD's. Anti-boredom stuff). Actually, I think it's both. I'm still not sure about where all my classes are exactly though, or how I'm going to handle the 15-minute break on Fridays (see previous post), or how I'm going to save myself from... er, myself (this one's partly an academic matter, partly a personal one. It's mostly about not being able to pass requirements on time. I'm kinda embarrased of talking about this to people I'm not really close to, especially some people in particular. I'm not saying).

-----

I just downloaded Mozilla Firefox recently. I got used to it almost instantaneously. I especially like the tabbed browsing, which is proabably why it's running a bit faster than when I was using IE. Only one instance of Firefox running even if I' m looking at several websites at a time (I the multitasking capability), compared to several instances if IE running with the same conditions. The Task Manager is your friend...

Sorry about all the technicality.

Pictures Went Missing

2005-06-02T15:06:00.000+08:00

Well, not actually missing, I just actually lost the files to some sort of card error. Remember the trip to Tagaytay I last posted about? I managed to get hold of the digital camera, and photographed things like crazy. Except I rarely only had people in my pictures (there was one, at breakfast, then the others were my mom asking me to take pictures of them with a scenic background). It was fun fiddling with the aperture and shutter speed settings. And I rather detest using flash. For some reason, it makes the picture seem... unnaturally lighted. Or something like that.

Version 2: Spaced Out

2005-06-01T02:36:00.000+08:00

I've been working on a new layout (well, kinda), and this is what I came up with. No graphics, I know, but I've never been fond of using graphics anyway. Maybe some other time.

I'm putting the comments back, by the way.

Dreamscapes, 2nd Ed.

2005-05-31T02:34:00.000+08:00

I was going home (or just going?) from SM North taking the usual exit out, exept that I passed by the information counter (the place that sells internet cards and stuff) and bought a cellphone. It was the multicolored kind with a non-conventional keypad layout. I left SM with my backpack behind me (the usual), and a cellphone and credit card in my hand (dangerous, it could have been snatched be a robber anytime...). What the credit card was in particular, I fail to remember, though it might have been a Mastercard.

I went to the terminal where the jeeps going to UP were, except I took an FX to somewhere instead of a jeep going to UP. Why I took an FX, I do not know, though I remember that in the dream it was perfectly normal (I mean, in the dream I did not mistakenly ride an FX instead of a jeep). There were rumors going on about the credit card I was holding (or was it the cellphone) possibly being part of a scam. Not that anyone noticed mine, though.

----------

The cellphone would proabably be because of my lack of a properly functioning one right now. Currently, mine cannot send messages or make outgoing calls, though it can receive incoming messages and calls. But why does my subconscious want a multicolored one with a non-conventional keypad layout? Those are the ones I dont like...

I almost have no more money whatsoever. I don't get my allowance until classes start, and that's still next week. Thus, the credit card. I can buy stuff on credit and pay it later when I start getting my allowance (and stipends from the scholarship). Except I'm terrified of credit cards. What if I spend more than my income? Huh?

I usually take the jeep going to UP when I'm going home from SM North. The FX was proabably part of the route going to someone's house. But what's with the scam?

Out Again

2005-05-27T06:12:00.000+08:00

All of a sudden, I find out the entire family is staying at a hotel for 2 nights because dad gets free accomodation. Right now, it's 6:34am, and we leave at 9am, so I better start packing. Hopefully, there's cable TV where we're staying (Discovery Channel? Animax? hopefully). Aside from that, most proabably I'll either be sleeping, writing (either the short story/novel I'm trying to work on), listening to instrumentals on a CD compilation (if I manage to burn one before we leave), or if the rare opportunity presents itself, wandering.

More details when I get back...

Isolation Island

2005-05-24T03:16:00.000+08:00

The loneliness is killing me... I like my isolation most of the time, but I'd die in a week without social contact. That is, unless I manage to find something to distract my mind from the thoughts all day. So there is no way I could be a hermit, simply because I'd be suicidal in a week.

I wish classes would start already.

Dreamscapes, 1st Ed.

2005-05-20T03:26:00.000+08:00

The first part featured a girl named Madeline. Actually, she's the same Madeline from the cartoons (think, they left the house at half past nine, in two straight lines, and the smallest one was...), except she's in her early twenties and is wearing a white dress. She was having a rather friendly dinner in a rather fancy restaurant with an older guy when at some point, she goes to the doorway. People are coming in with large white roses. By large, I mean if you stood one vertically on the ground, it would reach up to about her shoulders. Anyway, those people were handing the roses over to Madeline (for safekeeping?), who seems to be having trouble holding on to all those large flowers, because they keep toppling over out of her grasp.

In another part, a rooster... man... bleh, something that resembled both a rooster and a man started flying around singing random words (random only because I don't remember anymore) to the tune of "Bring Him Home" from the Les Miserables broadway musical, after getting his hat back.

Yep, I'm forcing recall on my dreams now, even if all I manage to catch are snippets.

15 Minutes?

2005-05-19T10:36:00.000+08:00

I finished making a graphical representation of my schedule on Microsoft Excel, and I just noticed that on Thursdays I have 15 minutes in between Math 17 and CS 11...

...15 minutes all the way from the Math Building to Melchor Hall?!?

Flashes Of Lightning

2005-05-18T03:50:00.000+08:00

I haven't seen a lightning storm in a long time. I really enjoy watching the dark sky light up with a flash of lightning, feeling the cold wind as the thunder rolls by, all on a backdrop of rain. So I curled up beside a window watching the skies, thinking. Unfortunately for me, I have to share the room with one of my siblings, and the door doesn't close properly, so I can't lock it. So now my thinking-to-myself time keeps getting interrupted.

The storm seemed to throw a few power surges around, because we were getting blackouts and stuff. I even got a warning message from the modem, saying the voltage on the line is too high. I almost thought the modem got fried again. Obviously not, since I'm here blogging again.

It Starts...

2005-05-14T14:31:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been a bit, well, dizzy. First, I had to go to all sorts of places just to get my medical exam, my dental exam, and my report card. I just got cleared last Tuesday, so now I can say that for all 4 years in Pisay, I only get cleared at enrollment. Then, Thursday, I went to the orientation (good thing I made it in time), then to PH (Palma Hall) for enrollment, then to the infirmary because I forgot I still have to fix that medical certificate. Once there, I get lost deciding which line to fall in, get sent to the shopping center to photocopy the Xray results, go back to finish fixing the medical certificate, then back to PH. At registration, I get stuck at enlistment, since they're still fixing the CS11 classes (that's why CS11 was missing on the Form 5A). When I came back tomorrow, I had to pick another MST GE subject because the CS11 class overlapped on the schedule, thus requiring me to replace STS with Envi Sci. I later find out that STS is insanely hard. After one last sidetrip to the Kamia Residence Hall for the DOST scholarship thingy, I managed to finish.

After that, I went to the freshman orientation (my luch was a banana cue and water). It turned out to be... almost not worth it. The emcees (or whatever you call the people up front) reminded me of noontime show hosts. Apparently my sense of humor did not match theirs (for the most part). I ended up with a slight headache, proabably from forcing myself to stay awake. To top it off, the pep squad finished off with teaching everyone the cheers. That in itself would be okay, but the drums... any longer and I would need a hearing aid and a bottle of asprin.

-----

I get mixed feelings a lot of times. Maybe that's why I've defaulted to assuming two identities. I guess that's my own way of sorting out my emotions.

I want to see what happens next in my life. To be honest, college can seem a little exciting at times. But at the same time, I don't want to let go of pisay. Or batch '05. For that matter, I don't want to let go of anything, once I've gotten used to it.

The Medical/Dental Exam. But Mostly The Dental Exam.

2005-05-13T05:15:00.000+08:00

Basically, we're allowed to have our medical/dental exam done outside, instead of at the infirmary, so I did.

The dentist says there's no space for my third molars. And then there's this tooth that's not in line. Cances are, I'm getting braces sometime soon.

Cheers.

Contracts Are Serious Things

2005-05-10T23:38:00.000+08:00

I signed the contract for the DOST scholarship today, meaning I have to work for the Philippines for a duration of time equal to the number of years it takes me to finish college (in my case it would usually default to 4, but there's a microscopic chance I finish earlier).

There was an orientation at 8:00, giving everyone a chance to fill in any missing details. After that was the actual signing, at around 10:00 or so. It turns out that I was the last one to finish, partly because I was taking my time to go over the entire contract, just to make sure, and partly because my dad was half-busy having a talk with someone. But mainly because I was busy reading.

Don't want to get stuck in a bad situation just because of a little signature, now do we?

Personality Test

2005-05-08T06:35:00.000+08:00

I obviously have nothing better to do

Your #1 Match: ISFJ

The Nurturer

You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal.
A good listener, you excell at helping others in practical ways.
In your spare time, you enjoy engaging your senses through art, cooking, and music.
You find it easy to be devoted to one person, who you do special things for.

You would make a good interior designer, chef, or child psychologist.

Your #2 Match: ISFP

The Artist

You are a gifted artist or musician (though your talents may be dormant right now).
You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals and children.
Simply put, you enjoy bueaty in all its forms and live for the simple pleasures in life.
Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate - you are good at recognizing people's unspoken needs.

You would make a good veterinarian, pediatrician, or composer.

Your #3 Match: INFJ

The Protector

You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.
Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is.
You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.
You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them.

You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

What's Your Personality Type?

Are You Afraid Of The Half-Dark?

2005-05-07T00:24:00.000+08:00

Are you afraid of the half-dark? Okay, that doesn't make much sense...

You know the time of day when the sun starts to slip below the horizon? The time when you would say it's getting dark? That's what I mean by 'half-dark'. When I'm inside a room without any of the lights on and it's getting dark, I usually get this wierd feeling... I start to get a bit nervous, scared, or just plain depressed for no reason at all.

I think it has something to do with the time I associated the darkening environment with my outlook on life at the time. And at that time, I was feeling rather depressed. At that time, I felt like my life was going on a downward spiral. Imagine the sun setting, then threatening never to rise again. Now imagine thinking that at sunset.

The wierd thing is, I only get that feeling when I'm inside a room with the lights off and with a window where the last traces of daylight slip though. It never happens with the lights on, of if I'm actually outside watching the sunset or something.

Philosophy Quiz

2005-04-29T16:17:00.000+08:00

Okay, here we go again...

You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”

“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”

--Jean-Paul Sartre

“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”

--Blaise Pascal

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Existentialism

95%

Utilitarianism

80%

Divine Command

75%

Kantianism

70%

Hedonism

60%

Strong Egoism

55%

Justice (Fairness)

55%

Apathy

35%

Nihilism

30%

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com

Going On A Trip...

2005-04-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

My dad's going to a convention this Saturday and he's taking the whole family along. We'll be staying at a resort somewhere in Pangasinan up until Monday. I don't know what the name of the place is, but I'll be able to fill you in on stuff when I get back.

Unless, for some obscure reason, I happen to get access to free internet there somehow.

Blog Poster's Warning

2005-04-27T13:27:00.000+08:00

Posting quiz results may be dangerous to your layout. If you happened to catch the last post, well, I deleed it, because it ruined the layout, completely. If you didn't, or you just forgot what it was about, that post had quiz results on it. The quiz had something to do with what philosophy you follow (supposely), and I happened to get Existentialism.

Nothing

2005-04-23T10:37:00.000+08:00

This is why I can never remember what happened during any of my past summers. Because nothing's happening in the first place!

No new insights. No new adventures (or misadventures even). Nothing. And unless it's going to be with some other '05 people, I am not especially interested in going to whereever. Okay, maybe I am, but that's only because it's a chance to get out of the house. A change of scenery is at least a bit better that being stuck here at home with nothing to do.

So right now, I'm kinda looking forward to going to the Truth outing or reunion or something. Kinda, because I'm usually too bored to remember to look forward to it.

Okay, so I can manage to find something to do sometimes. Right now, I'm halfway through "An Acceptable Time" by Madeleine L'Engle. I really want to read those other books, though *points to previous post*. I know you're reading this, Aida, so can I borrow the ones you have? Thank you.

Book Fund

2005-04-17T15:18:00.000+08:00

Starting last week, whenever I drop by a bookstore, I go around looking for books to read, and take note of the ones that seem especially interesting. Right now, I have a list of 15:

The Tao of Pooh - Benjamin Hoff
Veronica Decides to Die - Paulo Coelho (this one's rather intriguing)
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
Sophie's World - Jostein Gaarder
Where the Heart Is - Billie Letts
A Walk To Remember - Nicholas Sparks
Little People - Tom Holt
Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Tw7sted - Jessica Zafra
blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking - Malcom Gladwell
Robert's Rules of Writing - Robert Masello
My Side of the Mountain - Jean Craighead George
Youngblood 2
After Eden - Arnold Arre (more like a graphic novel, actually)
Maybe (Maybe Not) - Robert Fulghum

...and I don't have money to buy any of them. I am poor and unemployed. Perhaps I can persuade my parents to buy me some of these? Or I could just look for a source of income.

Wah...

Nocturnal

2005-04-17T00:27:00.000+08:00

My sleeping patterns are shifting. Before, if I ever managed to stay up until 2 in the morning, I'd already be zombieish. Now I can stay up until 5 and still retain most of my brain function. If I keep this up, I could be up all night.

To compensate, of course, I tend to wake up late as well. Like around lunchtime. Meaning I still get approximately the same hours of sleep. So if I keep this up, I'd be sleeping all day.

Speaking of sleep, I had this really wierd dream last night... nah, it's too embarassing to tell, even if I don't remember the details anyway.

Pre-Enlistment

2005-04-11T07:08:00.000+08:00

Well, I got my preenlistment schedule fixed up. I picked the g-10 template, which has 2 slots for CS11, but ended up with just the MTh one. Which means I start classes at 1:00 in the afternoon on Tuesdays and Fridays.

And the full schedule goes:

Monday:
9:30-11:30 CS11 lec
1:00-2:15 Math17
4:00-5:30 Socio10

Tuesday:
1:00-2:15 Math17
4:00-5:30 STS

Wednesday:
7:00-8:30 Eng11

Thursday:
8:30-11:30 CS11 lab
1:00-2:15 Math17
4:00-5:30 Socio10

Friday:
1:00-2:15 Math17
4:00-5:30 STS

Saturday:
7:00-8:30 Eng11
10:00-12:00 RFM

Yup, I preenlisted for a WS class, so I have a reason to go out of the house every day of the week. And I took rifle marksmanship (RFM) for PE, because tap dancing would cause conflict with the WS class. And I figured I'd take archery and yoga sometime later, like next sem. And no, I do not want to start the day with algeb and trigo (the template g-11 has Math17 at 7:00-8:30 MTThF. Or was that 8:30-9? I forget).

Personality Disorder Test: The Second Time Around

2005-04-06T05:40:00.000+08:00

Found this on Nadine's blog, so I took it again out of boredom anf curiosity. The previous one's buried somewhere in the August 2004 archives. Oh, and I forgot to put in the link to the blog up there. Sorry about that.

Anyway, the results are...

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
The test can be taken here.

Basically the same, but a bit less even. Avoidant went from high to very high, and Schizotypal went from high down to moderate. All the rest were pretty much constant.

Close-Knittedness, Or Lack Of It

2005-04-06T02:57:00.000+08:00

I slept on the sofa last night. My little brother's sick, so I decided to give up my own bed so my mom could sleep nearby, since I share the room with said little brother. I could have slept beside my dad and my littler brother on the double bed, but I chose not to. I would rather not share beds if I could.

I don't really feel that close to my own family. Which is rather sad. That's why I said (or wrote) I wanted to have closer ties with my family, on the paper plate called the "wheel of life". I've always wondered what would happen in a test of loyalty... I sacrificed a nice soft bed for the welfare of my little brother. It makes me think, how much would I be willing to sacrifice just for family?

Clearance And Other Assortments

2005-04-05T19:54:00.000+08:00

I cannot work on the computer with someone looking. Well, at least not my parents or siblings, anyway. I especially cannot blog in those conditions.

I am not done getting cleared yet. There are lots of people who haven't been cleared either, but I have lots to finish. STR, 2 lab tech's, property (all of them), health, filipino, batch adviser, and the registrar (prerequisite: everything else). I still have issues with submission of stuff. Must fix that now, before I get to college.

I am bloghopping like mad. Except I've run out of interesting blogs to hop to. Must find more...

The pre-enlistment site's down until after April 6 while they're processing stuff. I want to get that done with early, to avoid the rush. I'm doing it right when they come back online.

This bloggie seems to have gotten a little traffic lately... just a bit.

End...

Mass File Cleanup

2005-04-03T23:09:00.000+08:00

I open our computer, only to find out that drive C: ran out of free space. Only about a single megabyte left. It seems I must start clening up the unused files there. Well, actually, I already started. I went through the main directory of drive C: and deleted a few folders the unused/uninstalled programs left over. Just doing that, I managed to free up about two gigabytes already. Still, I'm going to scour the entire hard disk. I want to free up as much space as I can.

Off To College Soon

2005-04-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

My table here at home was a complete mess just a few ours ago, so I decided to do a bit of cleaning. I went through most of the sections, discarding some stuff, rearranging others. Sometimes I would uncover some pretty interesting stuff, like the Freshman Orientation Program folder from first year (I remember wondering how the heck I still had that in there), handouts of short stories from English last year(?), and other stuff.

I happened to find a (stained) copy of the rap our section did for the Humanities week. It made me realize that sometimes, things that would look like something to discard have memories loked inside them. Memories that would be long forgotten, had the thing not triggered the recall. I remember going back to the time when we were still practicing, to the time we were already performing in the front lobby. I experienced the feeling of accomplishment, as a section, for winning the contest (the rap was for a contest, by the way).

For a relatively long time, I knew that I was already a graduate of Pisay. It's only now that I actually believed it. My heart finally agreed with my head. The time has come. I'm going off to college now. Truth will not meet as a section anymore, except maybe at reunions and stuff. Batch 05 will no longer be gathering at Pisay (same exception). We're heading in separate directions now, like it or not. Doesn't mean I won't be their friend anymore, though. Right?

Grad Ball

2005-04-02T10:53:00.000+08:00

I'll be honest with you. I'm not quite as good with factual narratives as I am with expression of emotions.

The grad ball, also known as the last known officially planned formal batch event, was on March 31, one day after graduation. Registration started at 5:30. I don't remember when I got there, but it's surely some time past 6.

It all started with dinner. Some people seemed to get only desserts for dinner (either that, or they went back eventually). My only notion is that the strawberries are mine.

The batch documentary was shown after dinner. Basically, everyone was asked to describe the batch in one word, then describe leaving in one syllable. I'm guessing some people went all sentimental again. How would you feel if it finally hit you that you're not going to be together as a batch for much longer?

There wasn't much time for the dances. The other people were complaining that it was too short. I didn't really mind. All I did at that time was wandering around, mingling with some people sometimes. Up until 1 in the morning when it all ended.

I'll be honest with you. This factual (maybe slightly opinionated) narrative is all I'm willing to give. I would rather not disclose to the public what was going on inside my head. You can ask, if you really want to know, but don't be so certain I'm willing to tell.

Marching Madness

2005-03-30T15:38:00.000+08:00

Sleepy. The graduation stuff really tired me out today. All that standing up, walking, fanning, standing up in a cramped situation, walking around, and finally, taking pictures. Or rather, getting my picture taken. I decided, since it's graduation anyway, that I'd join in the pictures, even if I normally wouldn't. Last chance, anyway...

I still don't feel that enthusiastic about graduating.

We're supposed to be getting our report cards tomorrow... if we're done with clearance. Nobody really expects to, with all the STR stuff, and others. In my case, I'm wondering if I'll finally finish clearance at enrollment time again, just like the last 3 years.

I'm playing the opening song from Hunter X Hunter, again, for the third time. It's nice, even if I have no idea what's being said. It just sounds nice.

I don't think I'm making much sense. Maybe I should go back to sleep. Aftrnoon napping. Oh, wait, I still have to fix up my STR paper. Those revisions are evil. They will never let me rest, will they?

Moving Out

2005-03-29T19:30:00.000+08:00

Every now and then, I reflect on how I feel about certain things, and you know what? I don't feel like I'm graduating, and I don't feel like I want to.

I mean, after 4 years of going to the same school, I'm already used to life in Pisay. Graduating and going up to college would be a big change in my life, and I honestly don't like big changes like that. Of course, without any change things would quickly get boring. But I like it better when changes are small, so I can quickly get used to the new environment.

I know I'm going to be graduating, and I also know that I'm going off to college soon. But somehow, I find it hard to believe, as if I'm in denial about it. Right now, I'm just going through the motions, but my heart's just not in it. I don't want to believe I'm graduating already.

I'm not ready to leave yet.

Imagine Getting The XL Size Toga And The SMALL Hat

2005-03-28T22:45:00.000+08:00

So I was late in getting the togas. I was supposed to get them last Friday, but I only got them today. So I ended up getting the largest size toga, and the smallest size hat, both of which aren't my size, but were the only sizes left. I can just imagine... and yes, you can laugh now.

Today also happens to be the last day of grad practice. Somehow, I fail to appreciate the significance of all the ceremonies. Inside, I don't feel that going through 4 years in Pisay, in the academic sense so celebrated at the graduation ceremonies, is that significant. Sorry, but I just don't put that much value in those kinds of things.

I wonder how many people think the same way?

Withdrawal Symptoms

2005-03-27T16:25:00.000+08:00

So I can't exactly call it withdrawal, since I'm not trying to stop myself from... something. The thing is, I'm accessing the internet using prepaid dialup cards. The other day, the last one expired, since I keep using it a lot. Especially when there aren't any classes, and when I'm stuck in the house, when I end up spending 6 hours total or more in a day. I couldn't get another one until this afternoon. The bottom line is, I was denied internet access for a day and a half. And all the while, I was getting annoying, bugging people to get me another one soon, particularly my parents.

Though, in the length of time that I couldn't access the internet, I really had no real use for it anyway. All I had to wait for was a day and a half, when we went out. Could it be that I'm getting really addicted to the internet? Hm...

Happy Birthday Louie!

2005-03-23T08:31:00.000+08:00

It was Louie's birthday yesterday. So he decided to have a nice little party at his house. Some people were staying overnight, so I decided to join in. Then, I spent the night playing Magic, Super Smash Brothers, a bit of Warcraft, and a lot of darts in between. Hardly got any sleep at all. Mojie and I stopped playing Smash Brothers at around... 5 in the morning?

Yup, I'm still at Louie's. I'm going to start on some of those Calvin and Hobbes comics later before I leave.

The Batch Activity Called LEADS

2005-03-17T11:26:00.000+08:00

Preparation (Sunday night):

Gathered all the stuff I needed, and wanted to fit all the stuff into one bag. It did, except for the other bag which I would use later when I get back, so I settled on using both. I finished a long time before midnight, but I decided that I might risk waking up late for the 6:00AM departure, so I stayed up and used the Internet as a coffee substitute. Fell asleep anyway, but luckily woke up around 5:15, just in time to make final preparations and leave (it takes me only around 5 minutes to get to Pisay, by the way).

Day 1:

When we get to Angel's Hills (the venue for the thing), we are soon gerrted with a rather memorable lecture by Cromwell about the rules. We were then passed on to our facilitator, Tita Becky. She's okay, and I have some respect for her, but most of my batchmates found her really, really annoying. After registration and a short discussion of the first activity, we were sent to lunch. The activity, by the way, is to pair up (same gender, since the boys have a different dining hall), with one blindfolded. The other has to guide the other to the dining hall, then assist the blindfolded one so they can both have lunch. After lunch, we got settled into the dormitories while the girls went to their respective cottages (why can't we get the cottages, for a change?). Some time later, we went back to the conference hall to discus the first activity. This kind of discussion is done after every activity, so it gets boring and tediously repetitive after the first, especially since the same questions are asked all the time.

The first talk, however, was rather lively. The speaker was really energetic, gave a very powerful delivery, and seemed to get the entire batch listening. Especially the "I'm GREAT!!!" parts.

Marvin gets the unofficial Speaker of the Year Award for his rendition of the Growing Good Corn story.

One time we were asked to make a Wheel of Life, where you're given a paper plate, then you have to partition it into seven parts representing seven aspects, then put down your plans for the future, using either a picture, some writing, or a mixture of both. We were supposed to learn something about ourselves. I didn't, though at least writing it down set it straight in my mind. More like everyone else learned something about me.

After dinner was a series of 3-minute one-on-one chat sessions with each of your classmates (we weren't grouped randomly until day 2). We were arranged in a flattened circle, so that you were always face-to-face with someone. You had 3 minutes to talk with that person about stuff, then everyone rotated and changed partners. Now I learned something about myself (and a bit about others). My greatest discoveries that time were that (1) I'm not anti-social, but it does take me a lot of time to open up to people, and (2) people from Truth really want to know more about me, if only I weren't so mysterious. I love my section now. Not that I hated them before (why would I?), it's just that I never felt that attatched to my section before. Not back in Dia, not back in Rosal, not back in Potassium. Not even for most of the year in Truth. I hope you guys understand.

We took so long, though, that there wasn't much left of the midnight snack. So after a bit of food, I went back to the dorm, played Magic for a bit, then settled off to sleep.

Day 2:

First thing after breakfast: another talk, this time, about the first three habits in the 7 habits of effective people or something. Here, the speaker talks about having a big picture to reach for, having steps to take to get there, knowing the minimum effort required, and a bit of other stuff. It makes me think how my big picture is different from some other people's.

My big picture doesn't include having a lot of money to spend, or being a big successful person (the kind of success the world sees). Influential, maybe, but I have a different kind of influence in mind. I, in the span of 10 or so years, will work as a counsellor (guidance counsellor?), or a teacher. Money wouldn't matter to me at that point, as long as I have enough to sustain my physical existence. I would be an inspiration to others, encouraging them to live up to their own potentials, not just for themselve, but for others as well.

After that, more activities. First, the flying vessel made of a single sheet of paper, the one that goes the farthest wins. Second and last, keeping a beachball aloft over your heads, most taps on the ball wins (or, well, it's 1 point per tap anyway). They should have known that students from a school that promotes creativity and innovation would proabably come up with off-the-wall solutions.

The next talk honestly bored me. History in whatever form, unless it's a really interesting story, tends to make me sleepy. And since I was already drowsy as is, given that I only got a few hours of sleep, I had to put a lot of effort just to stay awake. Useless, with the exception of not being rude by falling asleep in front of the speaker. I couldn't understand a thing. I didn't even notice if he was being boastful (well, that's what the others said).

Batch bonding after dinner. Which, to me, was more of entertainment than actual bonding. Some groups singing in front, Jerms doing his classic magic show. I was feeling sentimental and contemplative at the time, so I wandered off. As I passed by the dormitories, I noticed a cat following me around. Unmistakable, since it stopped when I did, and even turned around and followed me whenever I go in a different direction. I wanted to get away from it, until I noticed it was sneezing (or something like that. Ehh, point is, it looked sick). I was about to finally give in and befriend the poor thing when someone went and scared it away. I never saw it again...

Day 3:

One final talk. Not all history this time, but it constituted more than half. Sleepiness plus illogically associated insights resulted in nothing learned, again. Enough said.

Personal credo writing. Make your own, and it should be sincere, and it should reflect what you believe in. Here's mine (it got a nice comment from Tita Becky):

"I have decided / Never to step on others on the way up / To reach greater heights by lifting others up / And should I be left far behind / I shall be content in finding success in those whom I have helped to succeed"

Yes, line breaks and first word capitalization. I was feeling poetic at the time. After the writing part, everybody presented them individually in front of the entire batch. There were the serious ones. And then there were the ones that would make you wonder if the author was just pulling your leg. And then, there were the disciples of Cromwell. Basically, what they did was reiterate the points Cromwell made at the start of LEADS about the rules, and they did that to the extent of imitating his intonation. Pretty hilarious, for a while.

Then the "In and Out Circle". Everyone in '05 in a circle, eyes closed, while Sir Vlad and some other person (I do not know who) gave a nice long poetic speech, summarizing the 4 year experience in pisay. I sent a lot of people to tears. My reaction? Nothing. None that you would notice, unless you know me a lot and were watching rather closely. Mine was a zombieish trance and a loss of appetite, which is what happens to me whenever sonething upsets me. Walking a bit slowly towards the dorm, the first thing I did instead of going to the nearby dining hall for lunch was to plop down on my respective bed and distract myself. I had to, to keep up my cover of okayness later on. I had just enough time to fix myself up so I didn't look so distraught. I still didn't feel like eating, though. At the dining hall, I only got a relatively small amount of food, ate quickly, and plopped back on the bed.

After that, well, the bus ride back to pisay ended the batch activity. Oh, wait, the story isn't over yet...

[edit-inserted note: ehh... forget the aftermath. It's irrelevant. And I'm lazy]

Secretive Tendencies

2005-03-13T17:57:00.000+08:00

I wish my dad gets a new laptop. When he does, he says I can have the old one he's using right now. It's okay, even if it runs on Windows ME and it's craked and falling apart slightly. I could just reinstall the OS and transfer all the files from the desktop. If I get the money for it, I could replace the CD drive with a CD-RW drive, or get an external mouse.

Then I wouldn't have to be stuck with the desktop. I could work in a place away from prying eyes. Like the corner of the room where my bed is. I could even use the thing lying down (try that with a desktop). I could lock it with a password or something so that only I can access the more, er, sensitive files.

Or I could install a game or two, to pass the time. Starcraft, anyone?

Hope For The Flowers

2005-03-13T06:12:00.000+08:00

I watched a musical play yesterday entitled "Hope For The Flowers", somewhere in UP. It's based on a book with the same title. Aida got someone to reserve a ticket for me for the 6:00 show. It turns out that the person who reserved my ticket was the same one who did Stripe, the main character!

I got there 15 minutes before the doors opened, so I just claimed my ticket and waited. They were serving free coffee outside, available in either the painfully hot, or the iced variety. I settled for the cold one, since I wasn't in the mood to burn my tounge. It wasn't as bitter as I expected it to be, maybe they were serving mocha?

"Hope For The Flowers" is a really nice story. Every time I read it (or watch it, in this case), there's a part of the story that shows some part of society in a different light. I always thought, before, that the caterpillar pillar was about people stepping on others, pushing them down so that they can move up. Now, I realized it was also about people being too busy minding their own business to stop and get to know others.

When the play was over, I went back outside to go home, only to find another discovery. The one who played Stripe (aka the one who reserved my ticket) was a graduate of Pisay, batch 2003. I didn't notice until after the show because, well, he wasn't wearing glasses at the time, and I was too busy enjoying myself.

I just love musicals now...

I Plead Insanity

2005-03-08T00:55:00.000+08:00

When will the madness really end?

First point: the real deadline for the teacher's submission of grades is on Tuesday, 12:00 noon. That, on my front, means I still have to submit a documentation for my group's circuit so that he can start giving me (and my groupmates) my grades for the circuit, the interview, and of course, the documentation.

And then my groupmate in STR calls up half an hour before midnight telling me to bring the laptop tomorrow because our Results and Discussion part of the final paper has things lacking (according to Maam Cruz daw), so we're going to edit it tomorrow. You know what? I think I'm so exasperated, I'll just give him the laptop and the file and tell him to start fixing it on his own for a while, since it was partly his responsibility in the first place (it was his part of the paper).

I have given up chasing the deadline for the Filipino book report. So I am therefore forfeiting that part of my grade. Now, I'm just doing it for clearance. Heh.

Just when I spread my wings and begin to take flight, I feel the tug of the chain anchoring me to the ground. "Down once more to the dungeon of my black despair/Down we plunge toward the prison of my mind"... from the Phantom of the Opera. I love that line. There are others, but this one just seems to fit the mood right now. Pardon me if I'm becoming incoherent, but I'm a bit sleepy, and I still have a documentation to finish.

Cramming Is Baaaaad

2005-03-07T10:28:00.000+08:00

I would like to slam my head against a wall right now, were it not for the fact that I'm busy and I still need my brain function for the meantime.

Today is the submission of grades for the teachers. So that means, today is the last day for the submission of anything for it to still have a grade.

I told you, Eugene, to start doing your requirements already, but did you listen? Nooo, you had to start cramming all over again.

If you don't graduate this year, it's your fault. You're the one who didn't submit requirements on time.

Well, what are you still doing here? Get off your lazy blogging ass and start finishing your final paper already. You don't have all day, you know...

I Haven't Been Completely Honest With Someone

2005-03-06T16:44:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry.

Sorry for being late yesterday. Climbing a simulated cave wall would have been a fun experience. Too bad I missed out on that. I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

A few people might have noticed how I was walking unusually slow that day. Of course, I still have my usual habit of trailing behind in a group, but it's not usually that far behind.

Okay, so some people actually took notice, and expressed concern, as if something was wrong. I'm sorry... something really was bothering me that time, but I lied and said I was just sleepy from the consecutive overnights for the Econ magazine. Well, I was, a bit, but that's not the reason. I don't want to talk about it here. It might seem like a stupid reason, unless you look at it from my perspective.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you then. But when I explain things like that, I want it to be in a serious, isolated type of environment. And besides, if I did, I might have spoiled you enjoyment of the movie. "Constantine" was nice.

If you really want to know more about it, you can pester me tomorrow (Monday). I'll be at pisay, since I still have to submit some projects and stuff. And I still have to collect some payments from people...

Heh. I thought I'd finish off with a little light humor.

It's Been A Long, Long Day

2005-03-05T08:17:00.000+08:00

Well... the periodical exams are over. Plus the Econ magazine is finished as well. That, at least, is good.

Our Econ group (Group 3) had 2 overnights at Arlou's house this week just to finish the magazine. As one of the three editors in the group, I had to go over the articles after everyone had them encoded into the computer. So I went and checked the text for grammatical, semantical, or whatever other errors that were there, sometimes checking my mail or going online on YM. It was a good thing I wrote my article in advance, since some other people only started then. After that, I really didn't have anything left to do, so I ended up listening to soundtracks of Les Miserables and Phantom of the Opera musicals, listening to a compilation of random MP3's, doing some experimental Java programming, watching CSI or X-Men 2, watching someone's acolyte/priest (couldn't tell which) get beaten up at GH, watching someone else do some Java programming, and finally watching the other people work their asses off on their jobs.

Lesson learned: bored overnights plus CD player equals drained AA batteries. In just those two days I used up one and a half sets of batteries (the half one being a full set used up halfway). So the next time, I'll bring along the AC/DC adapter.

And then there were printing problems. We went over to UP to get it printed, but no matter how hard they tried (half the group, me inluded, stayed in the van), the document wouldn't load. So we gave up and went to Philcoa. After two other groups and a linked versus embedded issue (I'm too lazy to explain right now), we finally finished printing. Total duration? about 4 or so hours...

The magazine turned out nicely. Especially the ads. We scanned advertisements from magazines, then edited the stuff in Photoshop. So basically, almost all the ads in there are just spoofs. Darned hilarious ones, if I might add. The Seiko brand watch turned into Singko ("It's your grade that tells most about who you are"). Red Bull's Barako iced coffee drink turned into Ded Bull's Barado iced coffee drink. And then there's the one and only (I think) non-spoof ad: it reads on top, "what we linke the most about sir vlad:" with a large red X filling the rest of the page... almost. at the bottom, it reads "factor" in small print, as in X-factor. We also have a subscription coupon (or whatever you call it) spoof. We edited Vogue to be read as Vogie (doesn't make for much humor outside pisay, though). You should see the last ad, though.

Okay, so we got all that done. Just clearance now, right? Nope... I still have to do our Results and Discussion part of the STR final paper, my Pinoy book report, and our group's AdEl circuit. We're not out of the woods yet...

I Hate Weekends

2005-02-28T20:09:00.000+08:00

To be precise, I hate being stuck in the house on weekends where there are requirements to finish... it must be pretty bad, if I really hate it, when I normally don't hate anything, when the only thing I "hate" is hatred.

See, when you're given a long weekend (or any weekend, for that matter) and some projects to finish, you're expected to be able to finish them all since you have all that time anyway. Now, when I'm stuck in the house, I somehow turn into this unproductive lazy ass. During the day, when people are up and about, I'm this paranoid bloghopper, who refuses to get to work for the simple reason that my parent(s) and/or brothers could peek over my shoulder while I'm intensely focused on my work. At night, when everyone's asleep, I tend to fall prey to drowsiness as well, and nearly all logical function shuts off completely, leaving just enough neural activity to realize that I'm sleepy and can't think and should call it a day and go to bed. Then I give in and fall asleep and when I wake up people are up and about again and the cycle repeats itself. Not that it's much better when I'm at Pisay with all the distractions, but at least I can somehow manage to get something done. And at least I have friends there to look to for support.

College Still Seems Scary

2005-02-27T00:55:00.000+08:00

Cramming. Right now. Because there are requirements due next week. Book report final deadline on monday. STR final paper needed monday. Other requirements due next week. Plus next week is the perio. Cramming.

Why am I not nocturnal? Why do I still get sleepy at nighttime? Why do I have to start working when nobody's there to watch? Why do I even wait to get started working? Why?

It is said that cramming is not advisable in college. Try that and you proabably end up flunking, so they say. If that's true, then I should start work my head off early whe I get to college. But what if I revert back to my old habit of stalling?

The idea of college still scares me...

Approaching the End

2005-02-24T03:57:00.000+08:00

Today is the last day of classes... because Friday's been officially cancelled. I still have to finish our STR project's final paper, credited in both STR and English (my own choice on the Enlish one). No, wait... I already did my part and gave it to my partner already, so now I'm just waiting for him to finish... Then I have to finish constructing a slightly complicated circuit for AdEl, and type up a book report for Filipino (which was already due, by the way).

So aside from that, all that's left is the periodical exams next week, then clearance. That once-a-year time when you run around, asking people to sign your clearance form, signifying that you've completed their requirements for you to move ahead to the next year level, or in our case, graduate (good luck if you have missing requirements). Or, you can choose to just relax a little, since you have about a few weeks anyway.

The thought of leaving Pisay can be depressing... it makes me think I'm a person who would rather not have the world change too much. I think I'm one of the late adopters. Nothing much I can do about it, though, since time drags along continuously, like it or not...

Wishing for Sadness

2005-02-21T03:29:00.000+08:00

I just realized what my insane reason was for imagining every ill-fated event happening to me, for wishing some of those things actually happen, for actually being okay (dare I say grateful?) with those things actually happening? Everything from failing grades, to housefires, to friends drifting apart, to ceilings collapsing, to feeling abandoned, to being hospitalized... and the list goes on.

It's because of everytime I see someone in despair. Because I don't know what to do. Because all I can do is sit beside that person, afraid that doing or saying the wrong thing might make the situation worse. It's because sometimes I want to experience things from the grieving person's viewpoint. Because maybe, just maybe, I might be able to find out that way what kind of response would help. Because I want to know if just being there is enough for the moment...

When Your Parents Are Not Your Friends

2005-02-20T17:10:00.000+08:00

It is a time when (for me, at least) this house is not my home. Well, not really anyway. It has been reduced to little more than a hotel/diner/internet cafe...

I don't trust my parents with much, either. I'm afraid to ask them for help on reports and stuff, because my mom sometimes gives pretty useless contributions and my dad is more likely to take over than just help. I can't hold my ground and make a point with them, because my mom interrupts too often and my dad is too intimidating for me to state my point at all. But the really terrible part is not being able to introduce to them the part of myself I keep inside. Whether they know or not is barely half the issue. The real issue is not being able to trust them enough to tell them how I think, how I feel.

Which is sad, considering they're one of the few people who stick around for the rest of your life...

Career Choices and Phantoms

2005-02-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

Okay, today, I went to Palma Hall Annex to check who passed the UPCAT. Fortunately, I got into Computer Science in Diliman. All of a sudden, though, it doesn't seem like it has a lot of significance anymore. Or maybe I just don't feel excited about going into college.

And I found out that my best friend in Grade 6 got in as well (his was Behavioral Science, Diliman). Me and my indecisive career path shifts... in elementary, I was thinking of Biochemistry. When I got into high school, I drifted to CS. Now, I think I want to shift into Psychology, or Behavioral Science, or something else like that. I wonder it I could do that without inciting a breach of the PSHS contract? Or get away with not following the darn contract altogether? Ehh... I did not realize the implications of the contract when I signed it right before first year. I must warn my future kids (if I ever have any).

We (I and 5 other people) watched Phantom of the Opera today... and it was darn good. I like musicals. I also like the way the story flows. The poor guy... I wanted to cry that time, but it seems my tear glands are congested or something... no, that wasn't serious. I don't have a doctor's opinion on that. And no, I'm not going to spoil your (possible) future enjoyment of the thing by typing off the details.

All Endings Are Beginnings...

2005-02-18T20:51:00.000+08:00

"All endings are beginnings. We just don't know it at the time." -Mitch Albom

Today is the last day of CAT. Not just for the year, but for the entire forseeable future of PSHS, Main Campus. So we're the last batch to have CAT, ever. Thus begins the reign of community service/ComServ (did I get that right?). I'm going to miss the rifle exercises.

Tomorrow, 6 people, I included, are going to UP to see the results of the UPCAT. This year, we graduate, spread our wings, and leave Pisay. Our stay here is soon coming to a close, but it also means the beginning of a new life in college. To be honest, the idea terrifies me, but still I'm just curious enough to want to let things run their course. Hopefully, when the time comes that I get to college, I'll say "It wasn't as bad as I thought...".

Exasperated

2005-02-16T20:58:00.000+08:00

3 major projects... one still needs a survey and a final paper... still only halfway through the book for another... just the mere design completed for the last... all due this week... I cannot forfeit the first, for my grade is already way down there... neither may I for the second, with the previous grade balancing itself on a borderline... and as for the last... my only subject with continuous 1's for a grade, a miniscule inspiration, a reminder that I am not the failure I usually see myself as... I cannot bear to live to see this record tarnished... should one of these fail, my life is forfeit... I would be left walking, breathing, living, but dead... continuing my existence, but with my future, my hopes, my dreams, gone...

If, somehow, I give it all I've got, put the nose to the grindstone, work my butt off from the dawn all the way down to dusk, I might succeed, perhaps not as well as I would like, but still succeeding, escaping the fatal consequences of failure. But although I find this a perfectly valid statement, deep within me I find it hard to believe. Every minute that I spend reflecting on this only makes the tension worse. I soon find myself drowning in a sea of emotions gone out of control, despite many attempts to stabilize my condition. I fly out of control, unable to sit still, unable to focus.

But if there is one thing this experience has taught me, it is the reason why we have friends. For my rescue came in the form of one who can easily sense when I am caught in a storm, one who sees with a clear mind, who with gentle words points the way. True, there is a great mountain to climb, but it no longer seems like the intimidating journey it once seemed to be. If, perhaps, I push myself hard enough, I might make it in time...

Blatant Disregard of Tradition

2005-02-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

Today, I bought a white rose from the COOP (pronounced co-op), a white rose which, unfortunately, is destined to wilt and die without a recipient. My plan was not to give it to anyone, insist that I bought it for myself, and see what people's reactions would be. Most people who eventually asked who I was supposed to give the rose to (and to whom I gave the appropriate response, as previously stated) couldn't make sense of the situation. Some just went along with my decision just fine. In the end, my conclusion is this: if you buy flowers on Valentine's day (or proabably any day), it's assumed that you're going to give it away. Well, it is Valentine's day, would you expect any less?

After a long, hard day, I decided to gave the white rose a name. Actaully, a friend gave me the idea, naming it Cosette. I call her Eponine. Eponine is a character in Les Miserables (Cosette too, actually), which we're taking up in English this quarter. Although she's in love with her friend Marius, it's Cosette who ends up being the lucky girl. Marius and Cosette eventually get married, and Eponine... well, I think I'll just let you read the book or watch the play somewhere. Anyway, that's the way my lovelife (to the public, proabably unknown or unnoticed, and yes, I have one people) is turning out. That's why I call the rose Eponine. I'll leave it up to you to figure out who's who and what and why and where. That's a secret... hopefully only those who know will be able to figure it out.

I Should Listen To My Intuition More

2005-02-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

Currently experiencing the aftermath of the JS Prom. Yup, aftermath. The prom wasn't a pleasant experience. About a month before, I had this strange feeling that something unpleasant was going to happen if I went to the prom, so I wasn't sure if I was going to go. But someone managed to persuade me to go, so I went.

It would have been fine, but seeing someone there sent my emotions down the drain for half the night. That's as far as I'm going, I refuse to elaborate. The point is, my intuition was right, this time anyway.

(note: this post is really, really short because I only got to type it up later, February 14 to be exact. I'm not in the mood to make a long post about this one. My apologies for the inconvenience)

Considering a Relocation (Again)

2005-01-31T22:23:00.000+08:00

After some time, I might move my blog again. Here: http://quibbles.blog.com/. Not because I like moving around, though. For some odd reason, I think Blogspot is too common. Same with a lot of other providers. No offense, Blogspot, you're great and all, and you've got some really useful features. It's just that I prefer my stuff to be different from other's (almost everyone's for that matter). Example: a lot of people say blue is their favorite color. So what I did is flip through the shades and tints of blue an settled for periwinkle.

Right now, blog.com is still in the beta phase, and the only reason I stumbled upon it is that I, well, stumbled...? I was bored out of my mind, so I tried experimenting to see which www.(fill in the blank here).com's actually existed. My conclusion? Not many people (none that I know anyway) would have an account there. Perfect. I think I'll go sign up. And I did. The account could use a bit of tweaking, though. So until I get that settled, and until blog.com gets out of beta, I'll be sticking to Blogspot. Believe me, it's great. This is just a personal matter. That's all it is.

PS: Just so you know, the alternate blog's only difference is the name change and the lack of entries from before the account existed. And this entry. It would be irrelevantly senseless to post it there.

Pseudo-Random Thoughts

2005-01-30T17:57:00.000+08:00

1. When you're constantly longing to be with someone (or something, as the case may be), you tend to take for granted the times you're together, and take notice of all the times you're not. On the other hand, when you're trying to avoid someone (or, again, something), it's the other way around, and you notice how many times the pop up from out of nowhere...

2. Lagi na lang, pag tinatanong sa tao kung may date siya sa prom, ang sagot, kung hindi "wala pa", ang sagot niya ay "meron na". Bihira lang talaga yung "wala na"...

3. Life is one grand adventure (my own conclusion). Everyone has their own story, not necessarily based on their nationality, race, gender, or other factor (modified from "Amistad", a Steven Spielberg film). Each affects the other, and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one ("The Five People You Meet In Heaven", Mitch Albom).

4. Sunsets are wonderful things. Every one of them is just as captivating as the last, if not more. And they're even more appreciated if you happen to be feeling down...

5. The rain is just as equally pleasing. It somehow brings with it a feeling of calm, sometimes sadness, and on occasion terrible melancholy. I read somewhere before that sometimes, the rain meant that the heavens were crying. For what reason, I don't know...

It's My Birthday Today... So?

2005-01-16T22:34:00.000+08:00

I don't get it. Why does everyone have to insist on making a big deal out of my birthday when I don't? Now, please don't be mistaken, I'm thankful for being brought into the world in the first place (even though life gets nightmarish sometimes), but I just don't see the significance of all the celebration.

Or maybe it's the people? Last year, IPSO got me a strawberry cheesecake for my birthday, and I sincerely enjoyed it, thank you very much. Even when I would usually deny (jokingly) that it was my birthday to most other people, and get slightly irritated when the pushed the idea.

Distorted Perceptions

2005-01-06T21:42:00.000+08:00

It's strange sometimes, how often I become so obsessed with what could be that I lose sight of what is. A minor setback can turn into a major catastrophe. A life has been centered around fear, ending in paralysis brought by a flood of worry and doubt.

I only wish I could explain further, but I cannot. I barely know enough to explain it to myself in abstract thoughts and images, let alone elaborate in words...

It Doesn't Work That Way, I Guess

2004-11-25T23:54:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've been having difficulty finding a noteworthy topic to post, and even if I have, it's usually the kind I would rather have noted to myself, and myself alone. So for the meantime, this particular journal will have a lot of time in between posts. If a time comes when I decide to become open about my emotions, then I'll be posting here more frequently. Until then, I guess you will have to wait...

Still Going

2004-11-08T20:32:00.000+08:00

I'm still going, one day at a time. There are only two choices: life or death, and the latter does not seem like a very good decision right now, when there are still a multitude of opportunities. Maybe I started out making a mess of things, at least compared to what could have been. But at least that's not final.

So I continue on, hoping to fix everything and finally reaching the point where I have completed my lifelong to-do-list. The task is hard, and it will be a long journey, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time.

Drained...

2004-10-23T17:42:00.000+08:00

Something is wrong. Awfully wrong, in my perspective at least. I've lost my drive to pursue anything productive, like I'm running on an empty tank all the time. Without a schedule to orchestrate my actions, all I'm left with is an empty shell, waiting for nothing. Hope has almost departed completely, and all that's left to hang on is a fragile thread, ready to snap at any moment. And yet, there is this occasional spark of inspiration, giving me the will to keep going, even if it's just for another day. However, this only happens on a rare occasion. I still live in a dark world. And I need some help with this.

All of this is going on behind a stage curtain. For some reason, I have decided to hide this from the majority of the populace, and perhaps I am the only one who knows. And at the same time, my conscience is pulling at me to reveal this secret to someone. But who? Who could I trust with something as big as this? Who would possibly realize the magnitude of the situation, and would be willing to help me out? Who would at least help me up when I'm about to collapse? All this time, doubt and hesitation have clouded my mind, so I never really get around to telling someone (okay, I told some people. But that's beside the point). So now, I'm still left to face this challenge on my own.

And believe me, facing a daunting challenge alone is very, very difficult...

An Entire World in a Little Notebook

2004-10-18T18:43:00.000+08:00

Having been denied the opportunity to pour my thoughts into an online database on a regular basis, I have decided to start writing my thoughts into a journal. Somehow, writing about stuff feels rather therapeutic.

And besides, since it's offline and inaccessible, I can say anything I want with little risk of retribution...

Thoroghly Confused

2004-08-13T05:17:00.000+08:00

I've just finished reading "The Little Prince" again. It's one of the few books that I can manage to read many times over and still have something to think about at the end. And it usually gets me thinking about my own life, and how it relates to the book, or how the book relates to it.

OK, so I got in Pisay, and was somehow able to survive 3.25 years of existence. I even managed to do well sometimes, albeit only in a single subject. Now the average person would say that I know a lot of things. But I often feel that I don't know a single precious thing in the world. The important things, at least.

“Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.” -Dinah Craik

Too bad, then, that I have no friends that fit this description. I have not yet found someone I can trust with my innermost thoughts and feelings. Very often, I feel that it is better to keep them to myself, for fear of someone, often myself, being harmed by any revelation. And whaen I finally feel the need to pour it all out, I do it here, in an electronic database called a blog. And even then, I have to hide the browser window everytime someone passes by. I don't want anyone to know how I'm really feeling, but at the same time, I want to be able to trust someone enough to expose all my thoughts and beliefs, and doubts and fears, without fear that I have done more harm than good.

UPCAT and Insights

2004-08-08T22:22:00.000+08:00

My normal response to an unusually early bedtime would be lying in bed, staring blankly into darkness with my eyes shut, but not quite drifting towards drowsiness until an hour or two later. Last night's was different. The night before the UPCAT, I was feeling quite fine, thank you. My mom suggested I sleep early, since my exam starts at 6:30 in the morning, meaning I had to wake up unusually early, and I considered this a good idea. One problem cropped up, though, and I wouldn't be concerned too much about it if it had only been a plain lack of capacity to drift off to never-never land. No, it was much worse than that, with a possible exception for 'worse' being an opportunity to gain insight from the incident. As I attempted to sleep earlier than usual that night, my mind was being constantly tormentd by various fears and anxieties, fluctuating between a failure in the UPCAT, a future without direction, and a possible (but improabable) emotional breakdown. I eventually fell asleep at a later hour, around 10:30 or so, but even then, I felt like I hadn't slept at all.

Not that I was sleepy the whole time, though. If there was one good thing my restless slumber brought, it was restored optimism. My mind was a bit blank from apparent lack of rest, but my fears were dispelled, and I had restored hope that the UPCAT wouldn't be that horrible. Then there was this insignificant (or so I thought) issue of what exactly I'm going t bring. I really wanted to bring my bag, since I almost always do when going somewhere, but it said in the test permit not to. So I brought an envelope instead. In it contained:

a pair of sharpened #2 Mongol pencils
a rubber eraser
a nice red sharpener
a pair of MnM's, of the peanut variety
the map of UP that I got along with the permit
a pad paper, in case I had a brilliant idea that needed to be written down
my test permit, of course

Along with all those, I also brought a bottle of water. A large bottle, since I get thirsty rather easily. Then, when I got to the testing center (mine was the National Engineering Center), the real fun began. There were 4 subtests: Language Proficiency, Science, Mathematics, and Reading Comprehension. Though it's not unusual to finish all the items ahead of the alotted time, I think I might have finished the Math subtest too quickly. I had to wait quite a while for the proctor to give the last-10-minutes countdown. It turns out that the UPCAT wasn't so bad after all. In retrospect, the question's difficulty was perhaps that of one of our average long tests (not the exceptionaly horrendous ones, mind you).

All this brings us to an interesting (or maybe not) question: what was I afraid of? Why? I need more time, perhaps more experiences, to find out more about myself. Or perhaps I could let someone else help me sort this out. The problem here, however, is that I can never quite get around to telling anyone. There is still a cloud of distrust that keeps me hesitating every time I try, or even think of trying. I don't have anyone I feel I could entrust my innermost thoughts and feelings with.

Hmm... this seems uncannily familiar to a certain description for Capricorn that I found in the 'Previously-Owned Books' section of National Bookstore. Something along the lines of some strong emotions hidden from others, like a bomb in a safe. It also said something about the possibility of the said bomb going off, and the opening up of such a person akin to defusing the explosive. I want to see that book again...

Personality Disorder Test

2004-08-01T10:06:00.000+08:00

I took this test some time before, but I took it again to see what happens.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

The test can be taken here.

If This is Who I am...

2004-08-01T09:58:00.000+08:00

Years have passed. I am not quite who I used to be. The passage of time, and the experiences it has brought along, has caused a number of changes inside. A little more courage. A little more patience. A little more wisdom. But a closer inspection reveals something entirely different. The choices I have made have caused change for the worse. Despite all the good traits I have, half-finished tasks, susceptibility to distractions, and oftentimes a perfectionist attitude far outweigh, in my perception at the least, my other attributes.

And as if that was not a large enough concern, I often find myself helpless to the tides of time. Though I wanted to change myself in a certain way, I seem to have no control over this. I daresay it is controlled by fate itself. Free will has lost but a trickle of its power, now almost limited to minor decisions over trivial matters.

No, this cannot be right! Some part of it does not make sense to me, something that makes me want to reject it altogether. There must be some flaw in my reasoning, or perhaps a minor detail I have yet to percieve. Or am I under a hypnotic trance, cast by the very personality, or personalities even, that I wished to change in the first place? Will I then need someone to help me break loose from this affliction? A family memeber, or a close friend? Or perhaps even a stranger listening now to my melancholic monologue?

It is this flood of emotion that plagues me whenever I am alone, truly alone. When all sight of me has been blocked by distance or obstruction, when my thoughts then run free, albeit in a world of darkness. Because of this, I am grateful, at least, for the tiny point of light shining through amidst all the gloom. It is this hope that has kept me going through this world, in an attempt to find a cure for this malady. It is the reason I have not given up the fight altogether.

One Tiny Alteration, One Big Problem

2004-07-29T20:56:00.000+08:00

I was busily troubleshooting a Java application during today's AdProg class. This application in particular is supposed to search a list of records (based on a previous lab activity) using binary search. Problem one: the program looped without end. After several intervals of insane laughter caused by frustration, I found the problem. Instead of using && (AND) in the while conditional instead of (OR). Funny, how a mere 2 characters can create one huge problem.

Media Ethics

2004-07-25T10:14:00.000+08:00

Broadcasting has a large impact on society. So large that it has the power to push the masses towards a certain action. Such a power should be used carefully.

Here, read this. It states the point quite well.

Passion's Slave

2004-07-24T22:39:00.000+08:00

Some say EQ is more important than IQ. In my opinion, there still needs to be a balance of both. Anyway, I've been reading a book entitled (not surprisingly) "Emotional Intelligence". It explains how emotions work in the thought process, and how they can "hijack" normal logical thinking function.

I have no idea why, but I've always wondered how a certain emotion can take hold of a person, and why. What I would really like to know, however, is what to do in situations like when a person is so mad, he can't think straight, or drowned is so much melancholy that their lives are disrupted. But I'm aiming too high. I'm a high school student, not a psychologist.

Slowing Down For a While

2004-07-18T05:47:00.000+08:00

Too many times, we rush through life busily working as if there was no tomorrow. All we see is the path straight ahead, everything else just a blur. Sometimes, it's good to have some time alone and take a while to think about things. To appreciate what we have. To find ways to make things better. To imagine.

I did just that yesterday afternoon. For the purposes of our discourse, suffice to say that at one point, while I wandered around the Greenbelt area (the part with grassy areas and lots of trees and stuff), I sat down on one of the steps along the path beside the pond. a few thoughts came to mind, like how I seem to refuse to intentionally injure a living organism (except microscopic organisms). I'm not a vegetarian, though.

Oh, and regarding yesterday's trilemma, I decided to go along with IPSO after all.

False Trilemma?

2004-07-17T06:19:00.000+08:00

Today, we have our last session of the UPCAT review from 8 to 10 AM. After that, I must decide between three choices:

One, the Truth (not to be mistaken with the television show) class party. I might consider going, but knowing myself, I proabably won't enjoy it too much. But they're my classmates. If I don't go... never mind. Anyway...

Two, the IPSO outing. To be more specific, the group is going to Glorietta to watch a movie. I want to go with them, but I have a tight budget restriction (don't I always?). If I don't go, they might get angry at me. OK, I'm being pessimistic, so maybe not. They should understand if I don't want to, right?

Three: home. I have some work to do, like reading Homer's "Iliad" for English, programming another applet for AdProg, and other stuff. That means I can't go to either of the previously stated choices, because I wouldn't have enough time then. My conscience is telling me not to put all that workload aside for another day.

There. Today's trilemma. I hope I can find a way to make a compromise between the three.

"In sum, then," King Arthur said, "you fought an armed and armored knight, yourself without armor or weapon -"
"No no, he had a stewpot," Sir Kai said.
"- and defeated him with his own sword," the king continued, ignoring his foster brother, "thus preserving an honored religious man from persecution. It is a deed worthy of a knight of the Round Table." Gawain bowed his head but did not reply. The king smiled at Terence, and said, "You have a loyal squire."
"I have an ill-mannered squire," Gawain replied.
"Will you punish him for telling of this deed?"
Gawain hesitated, then shook his head. "No, sire. How could I punish him for telling what I wished to be known?"
The king burst into his clear, easy laughter and said, "Well spoken indeed! Kneel, Gawain."
Gawain knelt again, and the king drew the famous Sword Excalibur. He touched Gawain on each shoulder and on the top of his head and said, "Rise, Sir Gawain, and welcome to the Fellowship of the Round Table. Be ever true to your God; protect always your neighbor; honor always your king."
-excerpt from "The Squire's Tale" by Gerald Morris

7-Segment Decoders, Truth Tables, and K-Maps

2004-07-14T20:23:00.000+08:00

I missed an assignment worth 80 points for Advanced Electronics. The people who passed theirs already got them back, checked. That means I can't pass the assignment anymore because the answers are all out. Now, just so I don't miss out on so many points, I have an alternative worth only 64 points. Out of the 17 topics we're eventually going to cover in the first quarter, I either get two from 1-12 or one from 13-17, and research/explain/compute them. I chose #13, the 7-segment decoder.

The 7-segment decoder recieves a 4 bit input and outputs to a 7-segment display representing the hexadecimal value of the input from 0-F. My job is to derive the schematic diagram for each segment (a through g). Now imagine setting up a truth table for 4 variables with 7 outputs, constructing 7 Karnaugh maps (K-maps), eventually coming up with 7 sum-of-product boolean expressions. I still have to simplify these expressions, then make an equivlent schematic diagram for all of them.

Seems like a complicated lot, doesn't it? Well, it seems this is the consequence of the choices I make. Perhaps I could lean from this experience?

Prologue

2004-07-11T03:43:00.000+08:00

The journey begins...